Why Even Kindness Needs Constraints

a woman standing in a field of tall grass.

The New York Times recently featured an online piece entitled “A Daughter Too Kind for Her Own Good.” The compelling article, written by a mother about her elementary school aged daughter, introduces a subject that women, in general, and mothers, in particular, are likely to find meaningful. In essence, the author raises the question: How much kindness is too much?

Most of us would agree that kindness is a desirable quality. We tend to want others to be kind to us, so we practice the Golden Rule, treating others as we would like to be treated. But, as the author of the article suggests, this kind of compassion has its limits when it means lacking assertiveness with others. By observing her daughter’s response to an interaction with one of her peers, she recognized that her daughter’s kindheartedness—the same virtue that she, as a mother, had taught and encouraged— was leading her to tolerate meanness from others. It was causing her to neglect her own feelings and needs.

This article is an important cause for consideration among all of us, but especially those of us who have been taught to be kind at all costs. While being generally loving and accepting is an asset, it’s important to recognize when it’s appropriate to set boundaries with others. We must learn when to assert ourselves and be deliberate about practicing it—especially when it doesn’t come naturally.

There’s no denying that we are at our best when we are good to others; we just can’t forget to be good to ourselves.

Check out the article here.

Get Out of Your Head, Get Into Your Experience

a view of the top of a snowy mountain.

“Experience, contrary to popular belief, is mostly imagination” – Ruth Benedict

I came across this quote recently, and it really struck a chord with me. It got me thinking about perspective and how much it influences the way we experience our lives. Recently I worked with a client who was struggling with a sense of being “stuck in a rut.” She knew she should be happy with her two fabulous jobs, her gorgeous new home, her adoring partner, and her ever-expanding wardrobe, but she just didn’t feel satisfied. And it seemed the more she tried to remind herself of all the reasons she had to be happy, the less content she felt. By the time she came to see me, she was convinced that she was “self-sabotaging,” setting herself up for “a miserable life.”

My client’s experience is not uncommon. Who can’t relate to being surrounded by things that should produce joy, yet feeling underwhelmed? The truth is, things like appreciation and gratitude—the things my client wanted to feel but didn’t—are just like muscles; they have to be conditioned and put to work in order to grow stronger. And the first step in the process of conditioning these mental muscles is paying attention.

If we want to shift our experience of life and become more aware of how good we have it, we must start by tuning in to what’s going on. We often feel dissatisfied because we’re distracted and consumed by our own thoughts. Rather than taking stock of what we do have, we think about what we’d rather have or compare ourselves to people who have more. We get caught up in anxious thinking, dreaming up catastrophe situations or wondering when things will go wrong. Or we simply get carried away by the chitter-chatter taking place inside our minds. The problem with this is that whenever we’re in our minds, it’s a guarantee that we’re not present for our experiences. We’re living in our imaginations rather than living our actual lives. Going through life this way is a setup for disappointment and disillusionment. It’s one of the biggest reasons why so many people search for happiness and fail to find it.

Through our work together, my client came to realize that a big culprit for her discontent was that instead of living her life, she was telling herself stories about her life. I taught her techniques to ground herself in the present moment and flex the mental muscles of attention, awareness, and appreciation. Within just a few weeks, she was feeling completely differently. She had achieved a sense of deep satisfaction, and the important people in her life noticed a big difference in her attitude and outlook.

Just as a picture of a place will never do it justice, a story about our experience will never compare to the real thing. The time to start appreciating what you have is right now. But first you’ve got to get out of your head so you can get into your experience. When you learn to do this and commit yourself to practicing it, you’ll be surprised to find that happiness is well within your reach.

 

Retaining Your Resolutions in 2016

a bunch of fireworks are lit up in the night sky.

The start of a new year is an exciting time. It’s an opportunity to wipe the slate clean and approach the upcoming 365 days with new intentions. For many people, New Year’s Day is an occasion for setting resolutions in the spirit of self-improvement. But as we all know, even the most sincerely set resolutions often go unfulfilled. By the middle of the year, most people will have lost sight of what they promised themselves on January 1st. So how can you dodge this trend and follow through with your commitment? Start by following these five simple steps:

1) Reflect on Your Past Efforts

When setting resolutions for a new year, a good place to start is by reflecting on your efforts from previous years. Ask yourself: “What got in my way of sticking to previous years’ resolutions?” Then ask: “What goals have I been able to stick to and attain?” Take notes to get a sense of what works for you and what doesn’t. Learn from your own successes, and figure out how to bypass the obstacles that could keep you from fulfilling your resolution this year.

2) Set Clear and Reasonable Resolutions

Be clear about the change you want to achieve. “Getting in shape” isn’t very specific, but “fitting comfortably into that too-tight pair of skinny jeans in the closet” is. Once you’ve clarified the resolution, break it down into small, manageable objectives—something you can work on little by little. When you break the big goal down into incremental steps, you’ll find it’s easy to stay on track by doing a little something every day. Today it might be taking a walk around the neighborhood, tomorrow buying fresh produce at the local farmer’s market. Before you know it, you’re rocking the skinny jeans in April and feeling like a winner!

3) Be Kind to Yourself While You Work On Your Resolution

The way we speak to ourselves has a whole lot to do with how we feel, how we function, and whether we fulfill our resolutions. Think about it: If you had someone following you around all the time saying critical, insulting things to you, wouldn’t you feel defeated? So why would you say such things to yourself? Many of us walk around saying self-deprecating, even hurtful, things to ourselves, which saps our energy, keeping us from going after what we want. It’s important when setting resolutions and working toward them to act in a spirit of love and a desire to improve our lives.

4) Find a Way to Check in With Your Resolution EVERY DAY

Most people who fail to fulfill their new year’s resolution do so because they simply stop thinking about it. Despite their best intentions to do something different, life—and everything that comes with it—just gets in the way. But this doesn’t have to be the case. It doesn’t take much time or effort to make even major changes; sometimes all it takes is checking in with the resolution to keep it alive. The simplest way to do this is to write it down and keep it visible. Write it on your bathroom mirror, your refrigerator, your office desktop, your cell phone’s home screen, or all of the above! Make it a point to read the resolution every day, mindfully reminding yourself of what you set out to do at the start of the year. You’ll be amazed at how much this works to keep you on track!

5) Create an Audience of Affirmation

Commit yourself to change by making it known that you’ve set a goal for yourself. I call this creating an audience of affirmation. If your resolution for 2016 is to run a marathon, tell everyone you know about it (after you’ve registered for the race, of course). By creating an audience for your efforts, you’re implicitly committing yourself to completing it. Won’t it feel good to be able to tell your coworker, or sister-in-law, or neighbor that you’re up to 15 miles when they ask you five months from now how your training is going? Won’t it be wonderful to see your marathon medal on the mantelpiece next New Year’s Eve? Invite people into your process of change and transformation, and let their excitement for you serve as fuel to motivate your efforts.

May 2016 bring new opportunities for transformation, inspiration, growth, and positive change. Resolve to do it, put in the work, and revel in the joy of accomplishing what you set out to. Cheers!